more of ME...

it's past my bedtime, but i feel i need to write...not like i'm good at it, but i'm trying to use this as a tool. is it working? who knows. well, i'm feeling closer to my husband than i was a couple weeks ago. i feel better that the stress has subsided and i'm sure he does too. i always have to get on him about our communication, how we have to be open with each other, blah blah blah. sometimes he agrees, sometimes i just end up pissing him off. family life is hectic, but good, right now. school is still a weekly battle with my kids teachers for one reason or another and getting two kids with adhd to get their homework done each nite is enuf to5 make anyone CRAZY.

i need to continue on with my personal story...

so i'm 5 yrs old and in kindergarten. my memories of mom are vivid and not all good. she would have "drug parties" with strange people i'd never met. there would be loud music and people would be in andout of the one bathroom we had, all nite long. i never knw what they were doing was illegal and certainly didn't know it could kill them. they would smoke, drink, laugh for hours while i was completely ignored. sometimes i would walk to the albertson's grocery store and steal candy to eat for dinner. once i even got caught, but then they let me go. guess it's cuz i didn't know my own phone number and they felt sorry for the little white girl at the store all by herself. my own son is now 5yrs old...i couldn't even imagine him being in the grocery store all by himself.

at this young age i had already learned all there was to know about were babies came from and since we lived in a one bedroom apartment, had to listen to how they were made many nites. i didn't know it was wrong for me to know, or that i was too old to share my mothers room, so i never told anyone. i never told anyone where mom stashed the pot or the heroine either...why would i. i was so used to doing for myself it never occured to me that she wasn't doing her job. i remember how special i felt whe she actually got up and made me cheese toast in the olive green oven. to this day its like comfort food...

when i wasn't running the neighborhood with no shoes on and getting into mischief, i was at my grandparents house with my three older cousins, who lived with grandma and grandpa b/c there own mom was never around. none of us talked about our moms, it's just the way it was. judy, jennifer and kim - they were my true rolemodels. i wanted to change my name to my favorite cousins, jennifer, and wished i could have long brown hair like judy.

ME

well, for those that want to know, i will start at the beginning:

i was born 12/24/74, in CO, in a time when things were so much simpler that they are now. i remember playing in the street with neighbors, shoeless, wearing nothing more than Wonder Woman underroos. i used to find pennies and go to the 7-11 next to our appartment to get Bazooka gum. my cousins and i would go tadpole fishing in the mud holes by my grandparents house. i was a skinny little white-haired girl, who had no idea anything was worng. i don't even think it ever occured to me that i was different than most of my school friends. didn't all 5 year olds make there own breakfast and get themselves to kindergarten across a busy street with no crossing guard? don't other children live with only one parent, who is never awake during the day and a father she has never met?

i'm at work, pulling in overtime...but sooooo tired. the sun has already gone down. my children will be alseep before i get home...is the quiet nice or am i selfish. after 12 hrs on the phone i need the peace. i'm not a bad mom, but my kids are exremely noisy and hyper, so some days work is easier...my two older kids and my husband have ADD/ADHD. some days i feel like i'm the f*cked up one in the house, as it's like having four kids to raise, and no one seems to care about anything but me. so many people have wished me luck when they knew what i had gotten into...did i get in way over my head?? peole over the years have wondered why i married someone with these issues. well, i say, honestly i didn't know it would ever be this hard!

these days i feel like i'm pulling farther and farther from my husband...is it becuause he's home and not working, is it because we feel so stressed about finances, is it because we never have any time alone???

i don't have time for a therapist and frankly last time i talked with one she told me to leave him...
WTF!